I’m at an utter loss as to what it is I’m doing or feeling right now, but I knew that I wanted to write. Which then led me to more indecision, what was it that I wanted to write? I was getting nowhere, to say the least, so I picked a pretty word from an online dictionary, and here I am. Read on if you want to hear what I have to say about my chosen pretty word, and if not, at least stay to add a new word to your vocabulary.
Hiraeth: (n) a homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or a home that never was.
I’m not someone who hates change, not at all. I love surprises (for the most part) and I lose interest more quickly than I’d like. So change is vital for me. But that doesn’t stop me from longing for the past. Oh, what I’d give to relive my childhood disgusts me; my desperation disgusts me. Whenever I arrive home after a long day, the house I grew up in, I’m suffocated by the utter wrongness that surrounds me. I guess this is my sense of hiraeth, as my house will never again by the home that I grew up in. Because a home isn’t just a building to me, it’s the people that make it. It’s the memories you live in when they are gone.
I don’t know if the home I created in my memories, in my heart, the home that I visit in my dreams and bouts of nostalgia is the same home that I grew up in, or if I have embellished it, as naive children do as they grow older. Sometimes we filter out the sadness and leave only the good when we are still soft and innocent of the life’s hardships. But either way, I am homesick for it. It makes my heart ache so badly I fear it may stop beating. Because on my dark days, I find it hard to remind myself that life can be happy when I am too busy searching for the rays of light from the past through the clouds that haunt me today.
Believe me, I’m not always this gloomy, for the most part I am okay. These past few days have been heavy, however, and I find refuge in pretty words and poetic lines. So I will read poems and watch the rain outside my window until I am transported to a different world, with a better home, in hope that my longing for the one I have lost is quietened. If only for a moment.
Songs that, to me, capture a sense of hiraeth very well:
Build a Home~ Cinematic Orchestra
Dandelion Wine~ Gregory Alan Isakov
The House That Built Me~ Miranda Lambert